Mon Apr 28th: Part 1


Announcer: Today, the role of patrick drake will be played by ethan erickson.

Patrick: I mean, sure, robin told me her mom was a spy, but knowing it is one thing. Facing the flesh and blood reality of it, there's no prep for that.

Coleman: Wow, that must be tough.

Patrick: Picture this -- one time, she climbs down a rope through the skylight, right? I walk into the living room and there is this gorgeous woman. She's wearing a body suit, coleman. It would've stopped your heart.

Coleman: I love that.

Patrick: Yeah, wait till she gets here. She's like a mix between lara croft and emma peel. I am telling you, there is not a man out there who wouldn't take one look at anna devane and at least just wonder what it would be like --

Coleman: Hi, robin.

Robin: I didn't catch that. Wonder what?

Maxie: You're a doctor. You should help him.

Mac: Do something now.

[Spinelli moans]

Ian: How long have you been in pain?

Spinelli: Spiritually or in the physical realm? For the human condition is pain --

[Spinelli moans]

Maxie: He's in agony.

Spinelli: Please do something.

Jerry: What seems to be the problem?

Ian: He may be suffering from indigestion.

Maxie: Or he could have appendicitis and he's dying.

Spinelli: Appendic -- ow.

Mac: I'm calling an ambulance.

Jerry: I'm sure you'll want to accompany this poor, suffering genius to the hospital.

Spinelli: Please don't leave me, kind physician.

Jerry: Yes, what could be more important than a man's health? Come on, doctor.

Claudia: Don't move.

Lulu: Sonny!

Sonny: I guess i wasn't meant to die tonight.

Patrick: Hey, you're here. Where's your mom? She's not going to break down any doors or repel out of any windows or anything, right?

Coleman: You're going to need this, my man.

Patrick: I mean, after all, this was her idea to come to jake's to celebrate the baby, right?

Robin: Yes, yes, it was, but she was called away on a super secret spy mission, very dangerous. But, you know, that's what happens when you're a cross between lara croft and, what was it? Emma peel?

Patrick: That -- you heard that, huh?

Robin: Yeah, i heard all of it. You know, i'm not surprised that men are attracted to my mother. I mean, she used to stop traffic, literally, when she would walk me to school in the morning. She's been the cause of many fender benders, fist fights. I just -- i don't know, i just assumed that you would be an exception to the rule. Silly me.

Patrick: No, you're not understanding. I -- i am not attracted to your mother, per se.

Robin: Right.

Patrick: I'm attract -- i like the idea of your mother. Yes, she's like she stepped out of an action flick or a spy thriller --

Robin: Or a video game.

Patrick: Yeah, a video game, exactly. She's like this butt-kicking fantasy woman.

Robin: Ok -- ok, so let me get this straight. My mother is your fantasy woman.

Coleman: Ok, robin, don't sweat it. I mean, men, we're always -- we're always thinking all kinds of things, really.

Robin: You are? Like what?

Coleman: All right, well, like -- like i always found you incredibly hot when you used to come in here with your girls, right?

Robin: Me?

Coleman: Yeah, but now that you're pregnant, you know, and you've got this whole earth mother thing working, you're even hotter than before.

Patrick: Don't be messing with my baby mama.

Coleman: Whoa! Easy, son.

Ian: You can ride in the ambulance with him.

Spinelli: No, i need a doctor.

Ian: Any first year intern can cover this.

Mac: You have some place else to be?

Jerry: Oh, that's too bad. You're riding there with us, doctor. Such a shame.

Spinelli: The jackal craves medical attention.

Maxie: Spinelli's right. He needs help and you're barely even looking at him.

Ian: The paramedics will take care of you.

Jerry: Come on, shouldn't you make an effort, hippocratic oath and all that? Huh?

Maxie: Spinelli, it's ok. We're going to take you to the hospital. Dr. Devlin's coming with us. You're going to be fine.

[Spinelli moans]

Maxie: It's ok.

Jerry: Try to run. Wherever you go, i will find you.

Morgan: May i please speak to michael corinthos?

Jax: Morgan, hey. I'm sorry. We'll call back later. Michael -- michael can't come to the phone right now. He's sleeping. Did you dial that number all by yourself? You did, huh? You know, your mom left this number to the hospital for emergencies only.

Morgan: Michael's an emergency.

Mercedes: Welcome home, jax.

Jax: Thanks, it's good to be back.

Mercedes: Your dinner's in the fridge.

Jax: Thank you. Did you give morgan permission to call the hospital?

Mercedes: No, i did not. But he's been talking about michael all day. Is there any way he can visit?

Jax: No, it's a little soon for that, i'm afraid. You know the best thing you can do for your brother? You be a good boy with mercedes. You be a good boy at school, ok? And he can say a special prayer for michael tonight. Will you do that?

Claudia: Shooting stopped.

Jason: He's firing blind. He wants us to panic.

Claudia: Look, eventually, he's going to have to break in here. If you work for my father, you finish the job or you end up dead.

Jason: Come on, if anthony's really behind --

claudia: Why is this so hard for you to understand? My father is trying to kill me. What do you think? You think -- you think it's tough for him? He's more than capable of setting up a hit from prison, jason. He's the one who sent the shooter that shot michael.

Johnny: Where's my sister?

Sonny: If you kill me, you're going to have to kill lulu. Does payback mean that much to you?

Johnny: What happened to

Claudia, sonny?

Sonny: Like i told you, that bitch could be dead by now.

Lulu: Johnny, don't. Don't.

Johnny: If claudia dies, so do you.

Sonny: I'm so sorry you had to see that.

Lulu: What the hell's wrong with you? You're practically daring him to kill you.

Robin: Baby mama?

Coleman: Drinks cost you double from now on, pal.

Robin: Sorry about that, coleman.

Coleman: Yeah, i strongly suggest you find a different approach next time you want to impress your baby mama.

Robin: Ok, so if i am the baby mama, then my mom is the baby's mama's grandma? Baby mama -- mama's grandma -- mama's --

Patrick: Can we just --

Robin: Well, i'm just trying to get some clarification as to how you feel about my hot mom.

Patrick: Ok, i feel like i'm in love with you. All right? How's that for clarification?

Robin: But you're not, you know, hot for me. I mean, you know, it's not like i've ever repelled through a skylight or even taken a kick boxing class, for that matter, at the gym. I mean, my idea of a -- of a big adventure is being in the medical lab watching cells reproduce.

Patrick: Cells reproducing. I -- i'm a doctor. I think that's hot.

Robin: Really? So it's totally ok with you that i'm not some super-sexy woman that most men fantasize about?

Patrick: Honey, you, like you are, you're perfect.

Robin: But i'm not hot or exciting and obviously you're not even attracted to me anymore.

Max: Scotch, please. Make it a double. Oh, ms. Miller. What are the odds?

Diane: Very high considering you asked me here for a drink.

Max: Shh, keep your voice down.

Diane: You're the one who's yelling.

Max: I'm sorry. If it gets back to the boss that i asked you here, for legal advice, we both could get in a lot of trouble.

Diane: Max, it's absurd. I'm not going to spend the entire evening covering for the fact that you and i are here together simply because you think the bartender may be a spy on sonny's payroll.

Max: It's not just the bartender, ok? Anyone could walk through that door, including mr. C. I think the boss made it very clear to both you and i that we're not supposed to see each other anymore.

Diane: I am sonny's attorney. You are his bodyguard. So you show me where in those job descriptions it says we can't have a personal life. It doesn't, max, it doesn't. Sonny is our employer. He in no way get to dictate how we spend our free time. And if i want to meet a very attractive man at a bar and spend all night having hot, steamy, sweaty sex with him, that is my prerogative.

Max: All night?

Diane: And for sonny to even insinuate that somehow me sleeping with you will throw me off my game, make me lose focus, that is not only insulting, it is patently absurd and incorrect. Not that you are not incredible, max. Oh, my God, your flexibility alone would make most women lose their minds. But when it comes to sonny, you're going to have to man up.

Jason: Don't try to use what happened to michael.

Claudia: That's what you think i'm doing?

Jason: Yeah, you know i want whoever hurt michael. You're accusing your father hoping that i get rid of him.

Claudia: What? You didn't notice? You're not in a position to get rid of anybody right now, jason, including the guy that's out there shooting at us.

Jason: Do you have proof that anthony sent the shooter? Yes or no.

Claudia: At this point, it's an educated guess, but, jason, get me through this alive and i swear to you, i will go after my father. I will get you all the proof --

Jason: What?

Claudia: That you need.

Jason: What do you mean? You're going to frame him? Is that what you're going to do?

Claudia: He's a psychopath. He's crazy. You understand? He's like your friend, sonny. I don't know how you put up with him. I didn't get to choose my father. I lost, big time, in the genetic lottery, ok? I don't know you that well, but i can see that you are focused. You are organized. You set limits. You don't mix business and pleasure. Tell me something. Why are you taking orders? Why didn't you whack that guy a long time ago and take over?

Sonny: You've been running around the past six months defending johnny zacchara to anyone who will listen, especially to me.

Lulu: I don't want any more innocent people to get killed and i know that johnny did not try to --

Sonny: You think you know johnny? You see how he repaid your concern by shooting me in front of you? If it wasn't for pure luck, i'd be dead right now.

Lulu: You want him to kill you? You know how much he loves his sister. So why did you make it sound like you did something to claudia?

Sonny: How do you know i didn't?

Lulu: Because you would never deliberately hurt a woman.

Sonny: Let me tell you something. If claudia did anything to my son and i find out about it, i would kill her myself.

Lulu: She didn't and neither did johnny.

Sonny: Well, unless you've got some inside information i'm not aware of, then you don't know what the hell you're talking about because you're just a little girl who's in way over her head, who should shut her mouth and go home.

Lulu: Did you really take claudia or were you just trying to provoke johnny?

Sonny: Now, let me tell you what i was doing. I wanted to see how far johnny would take it. Now i know.

Spinelli: Do something, please. Help me.

Leyla: We're trying to take care of you. Just relax, relax.

Spinelli: No -- no -- no -- no -- no needles. The jackal fears hypodermic instruments of torture. A thousand times, no. The jackal protests. Sorry, no.

Leyla: You need to calm down, mr. Jackal.

Maxie: Do you think that you could be a little gentler with him? He is the patient.

Leyla: Dr. Devlin's ordered a sedative.

Maxie: You can't give him that. You don't even know what he has. You can't put him to sleep yet.

Spinelli: Most unfortunate choice of words, maximista.

Leyla: Ok, just calm down. Calm down.

Ian: Look, i want you to order a cbc and a white blood count and get a surgical consult. Then i want you to order all of my charts in ascending order by date, ok?

Leyla: You want the charts done now?

Ian: That's what i said, isn't it?

Leyla: Ok, ok.

Ian: I'm turning the case over to dr. Behar. He's the king of appendectomies.

Maxie: What he -- he doesn't have appendicitis. It came on so suddenly. It could be --

Ian: Well, dr. Behar is going to have to run diagnostics for you, ok?

Spinelli: No, no, wait. Don't go. Don't go.

Ian: I'm not on your case anymore and i have somewhere to be.

Spinelli: Stay, esteemed and mysterious dr. Devlin. Please don't leave the jackal in his hour of need.

Ian: Let go of me, you little weirdo! What are you doing?

Spinelli: Thanks for that.

Maxie: Anytime.

Patrick: Look, all i'm saying is that i love you, all right? I'm attracted to you and i always have been. And, you know, i got to say, the only time that we have problems -- the only time is when you complicate things by over-thinking them.

Robin: Oh, ok. You don't want me to over-think your crush on my mom. That totally makes sense. I don't blame you.

Patrick: No, look -- no, i don't have a crush on your mother.

Robin: Right, you just fantasize about her.

Patrick: Look, here we go again. You're overreacting.

Robin: You know, i have an idea. Why don't you learn to play the guitar? That way you can give eli love a run for his money.

Patrick: Wait -- wait, roll back the tapes. Look, all i said was that your mom was hot and she is. And you know what? I'm a man and that's my opinion and i stand by it. Period.

Kelly: Patrick's hot for your mother? Ouch. That's got to hurt.

Jax: He knew it was a grand slam from the crack of his bat. And as he ran the bases, the crowd stood, cheering, and derek ran safely home. Mercedes will give you a bath now and i'll come up and tuck you in, ok?

Morgan: I want mommy.

Jax: Hey, your mom has to stay with michael tonight, ok? But she loves you very much and she'll be home as soon as she can, ok? Now, run along. I'll be up in a little bit.

[Knock on door]

Jerry: Hey, brother.

Jax: Hey.

Jerry: It looks clear that michael hasn't improved.

Jax: Well, the specialists i brought in are -- you know, they're running tests and evaluating the case.

Jerry: And any idea of what they'll say?

Jax: Right now they're saying that he's getting excellent care, which we already know.

Jerry: It has a sort of bottom of the barrel ring, doesn't it?

Jax: Yeah, well, i can bring in every specialist. Run every test there is. The result's not going to change. Michael's not going to wake up, and i don't know how carly and i will survive losing him.

Sonny: Why'd you come here tonight? Were you following johnny?

Lulu: Kate sent me to pick up her pda.

Sonny: Well, thank God for kate because if you hadn't shown up here, johnny would have killed me.

Lulu: Which is exactly what you wanted, right?

Sonny: Does johnny know that you go around making excuses for him?

Lulu: What johnny did tonight was wrong, but i think that you were wrong, too.

Sonny: The whole entire way of life is wrong. The money, the power, the respect. The rush the danger gives you, it makes the violence inevitable. But i knew that anyway... And i took michael to the warehouse because he was, you know, under my protection. He's been under my roof. I could take care of him. But it was a lie. Look where michael is. You know what? Johnny zacchara nearly killed me tonight. It's fine because it doesn't matter. Eventually, i'm going to kill him because that's just the way the business works. And i don't -- i don't want you to be in a -- in the middle of it. You know what i mean? To be caught in the crossfire. You know, i can't make any promises because, if you're standing next to johnny zacchara, you're a target. And the innocent is not protected. Look at michael.

Maxie: What if i o.D.-Ed him?

Spinelli: Dr. Doom is breathing.

Maxie: Ok, let's go.

Spinelli: No, wait -- wait, no, no, we can't just leave him here.

Maxie: Why not? Somebody'll think that he's just a druggie and do an intervention. Worst case scenario, he'll sleep it off.

Spinelli: What if he wakes up? He potentially shot young michael. I have to keep him on ice till stone cold comes and gives me further instruction.

Maxie: Stop right there. Jason is like some deluxe hitman, and if he's going to take out a doctor, i don't careif it's a disgusting, sleazy one, i don't want to know anything about it.

Spinelli: I -- i understand. That would be terribly upsetting.

Maxie: Hello? I would be arrested for being an accessory to murder and that would crush mac's heart. Not to mention it would ruin my career in the fashion industry.

Spinelli: Well, then, just assist me in transporting him to a secure location. Then i'll take over and maximista can plead ignorance. Please?

Maxie: Ugh, fine. Where do you want to take him?

Spinelli: Um...

Maxie: I know. We could take him to the locker room and make it look like he passed out in the shower.

Spinelli: Let's take him to a padded cell in the psych ward.

Maxie: The psych ward -- that's like, eight floors up and has a ton of security guards.

Spinelli: I know, but i'll jackal into the computer and make it look like i've recovered from my injuries --

Maxie: You know, you making this way too complicated. We should just dump the syringe and act like he passed out during your exam.

Spinelli: What if he wakes up? How can you let the shooter of an innocent child go free? He could hurt or kill someone else.

Maxie: How are we going to get him to the psych ward?