Edward: Lila so loved these holiday traditions. She could hardly wait to put the tree up so she could look at it for weeks.

Monica: And Emily loved to help her decorate it.

Edward: The two of them were the heart and soul of this family, and I just can't bear to have a tree without them.

Tracy: Well, who needs it anyway?

Alice: Well, we're still going to have Christmas dinner, right? Argue about the menu for old time's sake? How about some Yorkshire pudding and roast beef?

Edward: No.

Alice: Cranberry and squab?

Monica: Hmm-mm.

Alice: How about whatever Mr. Luke would have wanted if you hadn't thrown him out on Christmas Eve?

Tracy: "Mr. Puke" is not Tiny Tim. And if he wants a crutch, hmm, he can get it any liquor store in town.

Alan: What a bunch of whiners.

Tracy: You are in no position to criticize. You're not really here.

Monica: Oh, come on. You are not going to have your chat with Alan. You can't possibly be that insensitive.

Tracy: You know, I don't know what I find more annoying -- the two of you bickering when he was alive or you mooning over him now that he's not. Your cue to leave.

Alan: Not until you tell Monica that I love her.

Tracy: You have something to tell Monica? Tell her yourself.

Monica: Tracy, will you stop it.

Spinelli: Yuletide greetings to the quarrelsome clan.

Edward: Oh, for pity's sake.

Tracy: Alice, throw him out.

Maxie: Well, that's just rude. Spinelli's only trying to spread the holiday spirit.

Tracy: Throw her out, too.

Alice: Look, you guys, maybe you should just --

Spinelli: Please, uh, cease and desist, dominator. You see, the Jingle Jackal is compelled by unseen forces.

Edward: You see? He admits it. He is a dangerous psychotic.

Maxie: Hey, Spinelli is a wonderful person.

Alice: Oh, just save it. Your tidings of comfort and joy are wasted on this den of scrooges.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Spinelli: Please, you cannot turn the Jackal away until he's delivered his gift.

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Robin: I guarantee you they are the best Christmas cookies you'll ever have.

Anna: Oops.

Robin: It's okay. There's plenty more.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Patrick: Robin.

Robin: What --

Patrick: Look what I found.

Robin: I looked under there three times.

Patrick: It was laying there by the cookie.

Robert: Isn't that the necklace that Filomena gave you on our wedding day?

Anna: Mm-hmm. I saved it to give to our daughter, and now you can give it to you daughter.

Patrick: And I will put it on you.

Robin: Okay. I know this is silly, but I think it's a sign.

Robert: You think?

[Robin laughs]

Robin: Well, everybody knows that I have a tendency to worry that good things won't last, but this necklace has been through many generations, from a village in Italy to New York City to Port Charles. It's here to stay and so are we.

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Lucky: Well, these are the last of them, so if that angel is not in here, we're out of luck.

Nikolas: Well, if it's not, I can certainly go out and buy another one.

Lulu: No, we need Mom's angel. It wouldn't be the same.

Lucky: Well, this one feels empty and it's locked, anyway. You know what? Maybe Mom's angel got thrown out by mistake.

Lulu: This may be really weird, but, I mean, maybe Spinelli's key...

Lucky: I told you that one felt empty.

Lulu: Oh, my gosh.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Lulu: It's here.

[Phone rings]

Luke: Spencers'. Hello, darling. Merry Christmas to you. Well, as a matter of fact, we were just talking about you.

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Spinelli: Well, no doubt this gift has special meaning for one of you.

Edward: Well, it's your gift, you boob. You should know who it's for.

Maxie: Careful, Mr. Quartermaine. You wouldn't want Santa to leave you off his Christmas list this year.

Edward: Listen, twerp, a man can be as grumpy as he --

Tracy: Oh, my God. The hospital Christmas party would be better than this.

Edward: For once I agree with you, Tracy.

Alice: Oh, well, wonders never cease. It's a Christmas miracle after all. I'll drive. Hey, you want to go with us, Dr. Q?

Monica: Actually, Alice, I would rather sit here and listen to the two of them babble on.

Edward: Suit yourself. No, and I'm going to drive.

Spinelli: Since the others have departed, the Jackal's gift must be for you.

Monica: I am not interested in a gift, thank you very much. No, what I was interested in is my in-laws getting out of here. Now they have and you can do the same. Bye.

Alan: Big mistake, Monica.

Maxie: Big mistake, Monica. You don't refuse a gift that comes from an open heart, no matter how weird or useless it might seem. 'Tis the season and all that.

Monica: I have nothing to celebrate this Christmas, okay?

Maxie: Lots of us have reasons to be miserable. I have a few of my own. The trick is to find something to be grateful for, even if it's a gift you weren't expecting and aren't sure what to do with.

Spinelli: Please? In the spirit of the season?

Alan: Just do it, Monica.

Monica: No, thank you.

Spinelli: You know, I'll just leave them under the tree in case you change your mind.

Maxie: Merry Christmas.

Spinelli: Merry Christmas.

Alan: Those glasses, they look familiar. I think that I threw a pair like those just as we were having one of our fights. I said that you needed glasses because you only saw what you wanted to see.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

[Monica gasps]

Monica: Alan?

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Alan: You can see me. You can hear me.

Monica: Is it really you?

Alan: Don't -- no, it's all right. It's all right.

Monica: How?

Alan: You don't ask how on Christmas.

Monica: I've never believed, really, in Christmas miracles. But if I were to get one, I'm so glad it's you.

Alan: Oh, Monica, you've had such a terrible time. You've suffered so many losses, but you're a fighter. Don't give up. You must do whatever it takes to go on with your life.

Monica: I don't know whether you are a ghost or I have finally just lost my mind, but at the moment, I don't care because you're standing right in front of me, the pompous ass you've always been.

[Monica laughs]

Alan: Pompous ass? I'm trying to help you.

Monica: What? By spouting meaningless advice?

Alan: Well, of course you would think it's meaningless because it came from me. And while we're on the subject, better pompous than promiscuous.

Monica: Oh, come on now, you cheated on me more than I ever cheated on you.

Alan: Oh, really? Let me give you a list. What about Rick Webber, Sean Donnelly, Pierce Dorman, my own nephew.

Monica: Oh, my God, I missed you so much.

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Max: Maxie, you've got to help me.

Maxie: Max, you look upset. Is your dad okay?

Max: No, he's fine. He met a nice woman on the plane on the way back to Palermo. We could be looking at wife number seven here.

Maxie: No wonder you're upset. That's a lot of stepmothers for anyone to deal with.

Max: It's not my dad or his new girlfriend I'm worried about. It's Diane.

Spinelli: Has the brusque lady of justice been placed in peril?

Max: Only her heart. You know, we had all these plans for a romantic Christmas, but the boss needed to use my house for some out of town guests of the connected variety, so --

Maxie: Well, Christmas isn't about a specific place. It's about who you're with. The woman you love just wants to know that you want to be with her no matter where you are.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Spinelli: And to that end, the Jackal presents a solution to your yuletide dilemma.

Max: It's a pawn ticket.

Maxie: Merry Christmas!

Spinelli: Yeah, Merry Christmas, son of Maximus.

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Diane: You know this was my Christmas present for the big lug, my Max. Warm heart, cold feet.

Bernie: Ms. Miller, would you like to sit down?

Diane: Oh, God, I'm such a bitch.

Spinelli: Festive greetings to all!

Bernie: Hi.

Maxie: Hi.

Bernie: Yeah, Bernie.

Maxie: Well, what are you doing here on Christmas Eve? Do I need to call Jason Morgan and tell him -

Bernie: No, no, Mr. Morgan didn't ask me to come. I volunteered.

Spinelli: Might the Jackal inquire as to why the typically tense lady of the law waxes tearful?

Diane: I was supposed to be spending Christmas with Max, but I bungled it.

[Cell phone rings]

Spinelli: Allow the Jingle Jackal to provide assistance.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

[Cell phone ringing]

Spinelli: Call your beloved.

Diane: Excuse me?

Spinelli: Call him.

Max's voice: Diane?

Diane: Max? Max, where are you? Well, don't move. No, you stay right there. I'm on my way.

[Makes kissing noises]

Diane: Thank you, thank you. Oh, thank you, Mr. Grasshopper. Thank you, Bernie. And thank you, Maxie. Oh, I've got to hurry. Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah to all.

Bernie: I'll never understand. She's the best lawyer that I have ever met. She's tough as nails. She strikes fear into the heart of opposing counsel. She doesn't bat an eyelash at capital charges. She goes to pieces over a bodyguard. Love is strange. I'm sorry, is there something I can do for you?

Spinelli: We're here to deliver a gift.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Bernie: Well, okay. Oh, how did you know? That's just what I was wishing for.

Spinelli: Happy Holidays.

Maxie: Happy Hanukkah.

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Diane: Oh, Max, chestnuts.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

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Monica: I always wondered how you managed to be chief of staff and then I found out you didn't.

Alan: I had that hospital running like a top.

Monica: Ah, no, you didn't, not at all. I've gone through all your records, and they are riddled with inconsistencies.

Alan: Oh, and you think you could do a better job?

Monica: Oh, I already am. I've hired a new specialist. I've expanded the budget for the surgical wing.

Alan: I can't believe you have such a God complex. I mean, you've always thought that you are the greatest cardiologist in the world.

Monica: And you have always been jealous of the fact that I can perform surgery.

Alan: I was a great surgeon until I ruined my hand trying to save your life.

Monica: After you tried to kill me.

Alan: Beside the point. You were cheating on me in my own house.

Monica: It's my house, Alan.

Alan: I gave it to you.

[Christmas music plays]

Alan: Merry Christmas, Monica.

Monica: Merry Christmas, Alan.

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Max: It's just a little something.

Diane: That's incredible. Where did you find that?

Max: I probably shouldn't tell you, but it came from a pawn shop.

Diane: Well, now it comes from you.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Spinelli and Maxie: Jingle bells jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh hey jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh

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[Bernie recites Hebrew blessings]

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Robin: I love you.

Patrick: Merry Christmas.

Robin: Merry Christmas.

Luke: And the angel has landed.

Lucky, Nikolas, and Lulu: Merry Christmas, Mom. We love you.

Luke: You hear that? Merry Christmas, darling.

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Maxie and Spinelli: Jingle bells jingle all the way oh what fun

Maxie: Santa? It really is you.

Santa: Maxie Jones, how kind of you to help Spinelli.

Spinelli: I'm afraid Santa is mistaken. Though I was able to fix your PDA, little more was accomplished.

Maxie: Yeah, we only made it to three houses, and we didn't find out what everyone wanted for Christmas.

Santa: Hello, I'm Santa Claus. I already know what everyone wants for Christmas.

Spinelli: Then what was the true purpose of the Jingle Jackal's mission?

Santa: It takes a very special person, one who's generous and good and true, to see into people's hearts.

Spinelli: Thank you, sir. I suppose you need this back. If the photo function on your PDA is working, might the Jackal be so bold as to maybe snap a picture?

Santa: Ho-ho-ho, of course.

Spinelli: Okay.

Maxie: Here, wait.

Santa: Gather round.

Maxie: Okay, ready.

Spinelli: You too, Maxie. Okay.

Santa: Say "gingerbread."

Santa, Spinelli, and Maxie: Gingerbread!

Spinelli: Oh, might Mr. Claus hang around for some refreshments? We have milk and cookies.

Santa: Thank you, but I have some restless reindeer and a very long night ahead of me. Merry Christmas!

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Spinelli: Come here.

Maxie: It's -- it's midnight. I have to visit Mac in the station.

Spinelli: Thanks for accompanying me tonight. Your presence was the shining star of my journey.

Maxie: Spinelli, Santa was right. You really are generous and good and true.

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[Cell phone rings]

Spinelli: 'Tis I, the Jackal.

Maxie: Okay, I thought I was having a really wild dream, and then I woke up and there was a gift by my bed.

Spinelli: I've received a gift as well.

Maxie: You have to open it, Spinelli.

[Sleigh bells ringing]

Spinelli: Our picture with Santa.

Maxie: You were right about everything.

Spinelli: There truly is magic in this world, Maximista.

Maxie: And I'm glad we got a chance to share it.

Spinelli: Merry Christmas, Maxie.

Maxie: Merry Christmas, Spinelli.

Maxie and Spinelli: Merry Christmas, everyone.